Lifelines: Wendy Brown on 'frenemies'

We welcomed his wife into our circle but she is incredibly bossy and has started to organise all the nights out and holidays for the four of us - her husband just goes along with it and mine is happy to be with his friend. If I put up any objection she says I'm a killjoy. I really don't want to cause a rift between our husbands but the lads tend to go off and leave the 'girls' together so I end up doing things I don't enjoy and taking it out on my husband, although he seems oblivious.

It is not uncommon for our longest friendships, often created under circumstances that have since changed, to have to evolve to include different episodes and other relationships in our lives. These changes can lead to conflicts that may derail the friendship. Someone in your circle is going to have to hold their ground and it might have to be you. Don't go along with allowing this person to treat you in this way. Talk things over with your husband and agree that the original friendship is important but that you will put on a unified front. This means that occasionally you will decide together that you don't want to go along with her plans. Then you must ensure you don't. Also, think about reintroducing the original format - the lads doing their own thing occasionally and leaving the girls out of it. It may be you will have to distance yourself from this relationship if she cannot change her behaviour. It would be a shame if this jeopardises the friendship between the two men, but boundaries need to be established.

A FRIEND IN DEED?

We moved to a country village ten years ago because my husband was made redundant and we took it as an opportunity to follow our dream of running our own caf and B&B. A lot of things I used to take for granted had to go: gym membership, beauty treatments, retail therapy, to name but a few. One of my high-flying friends from the city occasionally comes to stay and always makes a point of showing off her latest boyfriend/car/expensive clothes and gushing about her social life and our old friends who seem to be partying 24/7. I am really happy but when she leaves, always feel nostalgic for my old lifestyle and a bit dowdy, unexciting and out of the loop.

Aristotle characterised what he believed to be genuine friendships on two things: the first, mutual usefulness, the other, pleasure. It sounds as though you have stood by the courage of your convictions and created a new life. An essential part of any friendship is to be able to chill out and enjoy each other's company. It sounds as though your friend is finding it difficult to leave her competitive city life behind and needs to justify her worth during her visits. If you really value this friendship in your life, perhaps you could address the underlying cause of the negativity that has crept into the friendship. Are you still genuinely nostalgic for the life you left behind 10 years ago? Is there a possibility that your city friend is a little envious of your new lifestyle? Once you have some awareness into what may be provoking you to think and feel the way you do, have a good, old heart-to-heart with her and look at how you benefit from knowing each other, and being friends, despite having different lifestyles now.

• Wendy Brown is a counsellor and supervisor with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

• This article was first published in Scotland on Sunday on 24 April 2011